It's safe to say that I am having a difficult time. Tyler is a force in motion. He's calm, collected. He's taking care of business. I seem to have lost all my cool and forgotten that I am a project manager. I wander aimlessly around the house, distracted by any little thing. I'm finding it difficult to do anything (other than cry) for longer than 15 minutes at a time.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm upset about? I do love this house, but I'm not crazy attached to it. There IS an overwhelming amount of crap that we've accumulated, but I'm not attached to that. On a physical level, I will miss the community that gathers under this roof. This house is a meeting place for our entire friends group. The football parties (I never thought I'd say I miss that), the house parties, the movie-marathons, the backyard tanning, the birthday parties, I could go on. It's a place of gathering. It's a place where 30+ of our friends could come and exist happily. The house has always been full of music, laughter, and noise. I love our friends, and to me -- this house is them.
Oh maybe that's it. I guess I just needed to write it out. I'm having emotional reactions to the thought of detaching from the people I love most.
But on the opposite end of that spectrum, I get to have much-craved time with Tyler. I've been dying for more time with him, to just be with him in the same time and space. And now it's finally here! I'm elated that we get to spend all our moments together, to explore the world together, to deepen our relationship. This is going to be such an adventure and I'm excited to get started.
I had a private yoga instruction today with this incredible woman, Lauren Pisano. I'm trying to learn some flying poses so I can put them into my personal practice while we're traveling. Lauren was encouraging me to lift up my toes off the ground in crow pose and I was struggling. It wasn't a muscular strength or balance issue so much as it was fear. Fear of falling, fear of failing, fear of whatever else... She mentioned needing to release that fear so that it would give way to the pose. Isn't that a complete metaphor for everything in my personal experience. I only ever want to do the things I'm good at, I go right up to the points that scare me and I back away. Music, career, maybe even this trip?
So much of this trip is about letting go, about taking the leap, about letting your feet leave the ground.
Only 6 more days until we take flight.