Tyler's countdown says "34" days left, because he's steadfast on the April 1st date we initially chose. I'm saying 36 because we leave April 3 for Honolulu. We're there for one week and then... JAPAN!
Days are simultaneously chaotic and calm. They're full of to-do items needing a line scratched through them. They're still begging us for routine and steadiness. But, our sights are aligned and we're prioritizing tasks -- the way a life in corporate America has trained us expertly to do.
I'm cramming a ton of music into my 'final' days. Writing music with Kyle, practicing for my last big concert at my favorite SF venue Bottom of the Hill, then performing at Cassie's wedding -- coincidentally at my second favorite venue, Great American Music Hall -- and then, bittersweetly, my last Homophonic.
It truly does feel like the ending of an era -- an ending that is giving way to a much more ardent beginning. I've been tired of playing my same music over and over again, and here I am making new music! I am feeling my own music more clearly. I'm eager to find out how I'll make music 'on the road' with none of my usual resources at my disposal. I imagine it will be incredibly challenging, but a challenge is what I need.
Since I started college, I've continued to feel like I'm churning, turning my wheels and not quite advancing the way I want to. This feeling has carried on through my professional career -- I throw myself into work, but I never exactly know where I'm trying to go, and even though I don't know the exact destination, I never quite feel like I've made it far enough.
This trip has possibly been the first tangible thing I've wanted so deeply, so strongly, that I've dedicated my everything to get it. Maybe this is a test-run for how to define, acknowledge, and work for all the things I am dedicated to. Music? Profession? Maybe those are the same thing?
Everyone keeps asking me what I'll do when I'll come back. Will I come back to Facebook? Will I do something different?
I am a planner. I like organization and calendaring and confirmation. I need immediate gratification on all of those plans. But this trip -- how could anyone ever know where their mind would be after a trip like this? This trip will change me, and I want to -- for once -- leave myself open to whatever happens. I want my future to rise up in front of me with out restraints or expectations. I want to experience the world, experience Tyler, experience our love - and hopefully find a little bit more of myself.
I'm a firm believer no one really knows what they want when it comes to their profession. Everyone is always doubting something, reaching for something, wanting to learn more. That's the beauty of our humanity; we're always changing. I'm excited to learn more about myself. I hope that this trip will allow me to shake off all the things in my brain that I don't need, and give me more focus on what's the most important.
We've been exercising that prioritization muscle a lot lately. Be it prioritizing what's most important at work, around the house, or our time spent with family and friends. We have to make sure all the most important things are at the forefront. Let us not get distracted by the trivial shiny things that bog down our time.
I'm already feeling a tinge of heartache for having to be apart from all the people I'm so attached to. I can only imagine my homesickness when it hits me. But OH! What a homecoming it will be! And what an adventure through it all!