We passed the 365 day mark. Tyler sent me a screenshot of his countdown app on his phone. A year is such a sturdy milestone. Now it's truly a countdown. We're pulling beans out of a jar and our brains understand how many 365 beans are.
Tyler and I are both overly occupied with work. He's inundated with clearing up problems occurring with Chromecast. He's frustrated. Uninspired. Or maybe more simply, he's bored. He works hard, he has lots of responsibility, but I can see how he struggles to make sense of the time and the effort he devotes to it. He doesn't have enough positive reinforcement to fuel the cycle.
For the first time in my life I love what I do. On a level I've never experienced before. I'm not just entertained by my job. I'm feeling fulfilled. It's helping me feel more confident with music, my art, my creativity. I'm no longer searching for validation by getting famous. I'm not focused on the views, the likes, the shares. I just want to create. I want to work. I want to do well. And I am. But my days are long, and they keep me from the most important thing in the world to me: Tyler.
I work long hours, I commute long hours. On Mondays and Wednesdays Tyler goes to CrossFit. We both get home around 8:30pm. We come home, cook dinner - sometimes together, depending on who needs to work - and then I go to bed between 9:30 and 10. The most I have seen Tyler is an hour every day. And that's not even quality time. We're not cuddled up with one another, we're not talking. We have screens in front of our faces. We're in other rooms. We're quickly pushing food down our throats.
It's a privileged conundrum: dedicate your time to a job you love or dedicate your time to a partner you're over the moon for. When I have so many things I'm passionate about, it's hard to choose. I wind up tired and tattered because I want all the things, all the time.
But we live it because we know an end is in sight. And I hope that wherever our travels take us, I develop the tools needed to keep me rooted, grounded, centered. What is my idea of success? Is it really money? Is it a furnished home? Is it guitars and music rooms and YouTube videos?
In my heart of hearts I know it's wherever Tyler is. But all that other stuff sure is nice, too, isn't it?