Today was a simple and easy day. I woke up early, got ready, stuffed my clothes into my pack, made us breakfast, and we made our way from Budapest to Bratislava by way of an exceptionally comfortable and cheap FlixBus. In three hours we were in a new country and city!
I’ve been cycling through being incredibly happy and hopelessly homesick. Tyler says these moods are on six-week rotations. This last bout of depression came on fast and strong, and when it hit me, I reverted back to some self-taught tendencies of beating myself up. I’m trying to investigate why I do this, what initially prompted it in my past, and why I feed into it. I don’t have many answers for those questions, but I do know what it looks like. It is usually me hating my body and overall appearance, saying mean things about myself audibly every so often, but mostly keeping a constant internal dialogue of self-shaming. I got caught in this cycle for a little too long even though I knew it was happening and I also knew I didn’t want it to be there.
Tyler, being by my side at all times, experiences all these things with me. It takes a toll on my energy level and my overall constitution. That of course affects him as well. He always manages to remain happy, engaged, and excited by all things in front of him. I admire his ability to remain positive and delighted at all times. But when I’m sad, he is fiercely empathetic and, like an engineer, often times wants to figure out how to fix or help mend me.
I think the thing that pulled me out of this little sadness was just letting myself watch how he loves and experiences life. And also, how he loves me.
He wakes up every morning and holds on to me so tight and tells me he loves me. How he’s missed me while he’s been asleep. He says, “Another day I get to spend with you!” He listens intently to me when I speak, even when I repeat my stories and musings all the time. He watches my mouth when I talk and starts to slowly curl his own mouth into a smile just because he enjoys the moment. I love that he loves me so fully and so unreservedly. Why am I wasting time by worrying about what I look like when this marvelous man is constantly reinforcing how much he is attracted to me? There are better ways to spend my mental energy than fretting about trivialities.
In so many millions of micro things he does for me he shows me how much he cares. He picks my backpack up for me, extra high, so that it just slips onto my back without me having to lift it. Today, when the bus dropped us off, he carried my bag for me even though I had hands free.
He’s such an incredible human being and I’m gobsmacked by how lovely he is, at all times.